Sorry I haven't been on forever. I finally got the internet over here in Okinawa, so, yay for that.

Well, I'm four months pregnant, so there goes that diet I was talking about three months ago, lol.

Mom bought me some hot pockets and uncrustables today.  Pfft.  I lost it.  Who's going to care about me now that I'm leaving?  Getting married was the worst thing I ever did.

Ladies, he drives a Dodge.  And he's gorgeous.  God has finally blessed us.

Another day just like the rest.  Wake up. Shower.  Internet.  Food.  Depression.

I love my family, and I love my friends, but spending time with them just seems so impossible for me.  It always has, and I don't know why. 

I believe I have promised the world that I would hang out with all of its South Carolinian residents before the big move, but I'm really started to doubt that I will keep that promise. 

I did hang out with someone yesterday, though.  Well, three someones.  Three important someones (and I forgot my camera!!!)  I really did want to go to see Stephen, Andrea, and Autumn, and I'm really glad I did because I had a lot of fun, but I felt forced, kinda because I'm still in that stage where I'm depressed all the time because Steven's gone.  At least I've broken the ice, if you can even call it that, and I feel comfortable going over there to the point that I won't burst out into tears.

That almost happened the other day when I went out to eat with Mom at Texas Roadhouse.  First, I didn't really feel like going because I had a REALLY bad day.  Then, when we got there, some couple was looking at me weirdly, and that made me feel bad, because stuff like that always does.  It makes me feel awkward, and out of place, like I don't belong or fit in with what is "acceptable."  I hate that feeling.  I think I want to cry now just thinking about it.  I've never really fit in anywhere, and I don't really get why.  What the hell is wrong with everyone else?  Why can't all of you just... be like... me?  And the funny thing is, no one else, save a few people, realizes that, no, I'm not the one who has it all wrong.  It is you.  So maybe I'm the shape that's not like the others, but, who would want to be a square, when you could be a triangle? 

Eh, I guess my inadequacies to everyone else's "normal" (which SHOULDN'T be that desirable, but somehow is anyway) are a completely different subject, and I have lost myself in that subject.  Back to the main point(s).

So, I was upset at the restaurant, and had to try my hardest not to just break down in cry.  I remember almost giving in several times, but somehow I didn't.  Really shocking there.  I'd really hate to cry in front of a room of cold, insensitive people, people who don't care, people who shouldn't care, people who don't understand.  I don't even understand.

I have my reasons I'm supposed to be upset.  I use those reasons as excuses, because something much deeper is wrong, something I don't even know about.  I don't know the right questions, and so therefore, I don't have any answers.  Whatever it is, it's been going on for years, and I want it to finally stop.  I got money recently.  I don't think there's anything I could buy to bribe myself into being happy, and while it's awful that I, or anyone else, could try to do that, it's also awful that it can't be done right now.  It is that bad.